At the moment…

run.jpg

Sunrise on one of my morning runs along the Ala Wai Canal. 

Currently consuming my thinking and processing:

  1. This administration and Congress are exhausting. I’m trying to figure out a balance between staying well-informed so I can act when needed and where possible, and being too informed and thus riddled with anxiety and despair. If you have found that sweet spot, let me know your ways. Also, are his four years over, yet?
  2. Frustrations at work. I am experiencing the most frustrating time at work I have ever experienced. I have almost no actual support (though some wonderful moral support from colleagues) and am at a loss as to how I can do the job I am assigned and expected to do.
  3. Resentment. I fear I am losing the battle against resentment. I am trying to move forward with some major life decisions and while doors keep opening, specific people keep obstructing those possibilities (indirectly and directly, passively and actively). I already struggle with resentment, so this is a particularly challenging time. I don’t like being forced to admit and work through my flaws. :-p LET ME BE COMFORTABLY CRANKY, DAMMIT.
  4. Career despondency. Related to the two above. I want to do something meaningful with my life, and Hawai’i does not seem to be a place where I can be successful … anywhere. This is totally overwrought in some ways, but why do I have to be the one to sacrifice my 30s for someone else’s dream, a dream I am still so supportive of? Why am I the only one absorbing all the suck? I’m super annoyed and resentful and it’s pretty damn ugly and real.
  5. Writing angst. I am in the final stretch of editing my book, and in that place where I’m pretty sure everything I wrote is crap and I am crap and my ideas are crap and I will just spew crap forever. Being an anxious writer is FUN.
  6. How long it’s been since I’ve read the Bible. Considering how I was raised (super conservative Christian), the fact that I haven’t read the Bible in a focused way for a few years is quite a marked change. I have such a different view of the Bible now, and I do think I needed these past five years of not reading it at all to clear my head of the instinctive responses and assumptions that I had built up over the years. I don’t take the Bible nearly so literally as I used to, and I have a healthier appreciation for what is true about it, as well as for understanding its construction. I’ll be curious to read it again to see how I respond to it now. There is so much beauty in it, and so much that we’ve misused or misinterpreted or taken too literally. There’s also a lot we can reject. I’m very comfortable shucking off what is not true or beautiful, even that which some people unintellectually insist is true and beautiful for the sole reason that it exists in the Bible.
  7. Unwinding brain spaces. I wish we appreciated the process of unwinding ourselves and our false beliefs more. We like sure landings, firm opinions, decisions. We judge those who are exploring or confused or uncertain. I am focusing on giving myself the freedom to explore intellectually what I’ve always taken for granted. Being wrong will be part of it, as will the joy of new discoveries. Exploration is fun and necessary.
  8. Every morning when I wake up at 4:30 (NOT INTENTIONALLY, MY BODY IS JUST DUMB) I can’t decide whether to read or to do some cardio. Reading feeds my mind and soul, but cardio in the morning puts me in such a great mood. How to choose?! (PS — my evenings are for writing/editing and reading myself to sleep; not great for reading the involved nonfiction books I prefer.)

What is swirling around in your head space?

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