At the moment… 3/8/2018

1. I have a very love/hate relationship with Hawaii, and lately it’s been mostly of the “hate” variety. Yesterday something softened in me, though, and I felt a huge swell of affection and reverence for this place. Who knows what is noodling around in the subconscious part of my brain, but it’s a relief not to feel like I’m fighting this place, even for just a moment.

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It’s pretty tough to be mad at this.

2. I am so overwhelmed intellectually at the moment that I can barely function! I have to do a bunch of data analysis and strategic planning for a project at work, I’m trying to figure out how to think like a feminist epistemologist, I’m trying to learn about the intricacies of the Buddhist no-self arguments, I’m trying to put together coherent thoughts on philosophies for a podcast (coming soon!), and I need to read three graduate student papers and come up with interesting questions because I’m moderating a panel on Friday and need to help spark conversation. Oh, and I’m in a reading-club-of-two and we’re reading a book on Christian eschatologies and I’m desperately falling behind in the reading schedule because it’s a lot of new-to-me terms and ideas and my brain doesn’t have the energy to absorb as normal. I love learning, but I think I have bitten off a bit more than my brain can chew at the moment. COME ON, SPRING BREAK.

3. One of my best friends lost her husband a few weeks ago. Ever since I learned about his passing I have been physically sick and exhausted. I forget that intense emotion tends to greatly impact my health. I’m just hoping I can visit her soon, healthy enough to be of help and comfort. My heart aches for her.

4. Related, this is part of my “hate” relationship with Hawaii. Being so far away from loved ones that I cannot physically be with them in times of crisis and heartache is awful. I hate being a spectator in my loved ones’ lives.

5. Because I’ve been sick, I’ve been drinking only tea (and a LOT of it) for the past three weeks. I don’t even miss coffee. This is probably good for my anxious heart in the long run, so let’s see if I can keep it up when I’m back to fighting form.

6. My poor April half marathon. My training has been sh*t. I just don’t want to run. The only training I do is run 9 miles every Sunday to reassure myself that I could run 13.1 if I wanted. They are the slowest 9 miles ever. I really do love running, but my motivation is zip zero zilch nada lately. I seriously think I killed it with marathon training.

7. I have a pile of books that I’ve been meaning to mail to my friends for months. MONTHS. I’m the worst at making time for the post office. These beautiful books need happy homes! Poor books.

8. Due to my crazy school reading schedule, I haven’t read many fun books as of late. I did just finish Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, however, and you should pick it up. The human brain is fascinating and not that great at thinking rationally “in the moment.” I am now wondering if/how we should change our expectations of people. As happens periodically, the way the robust free will necessary (?) for coherent concepts of blameworthiness and praiseworthiness is challenged by demonstrated limitations of human capacity fascinate and frustrate me.

9. I stood up for myself the other day in a very difficult situation, and I’m beginning to think that is what softened me towards Hawaii. I took a small step towards reclaiming agency and towards not feeling like I will be harassed or smothered the entire time we’re here. The expression “strong back, soft front” came to mind. Unfortunately, my “standing up for myself” has had the lovely side effect of a rather intense time of anxiety, so that’s disappointing. Thank goodness for baths, sleep, and wine.

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