In-Between Thoughts 10.1.18

The trade winds are back! The trade winds are back! DID I MENTION THAT THE TRADE WINDS ARE BACK?! Oof. September was brutally hot and humid and still. I have been physically miserable at home for too long. This weekend was cooler, breezy, and dang near euphoric. I still miss fall weather something fierce, but I will take any kind of relief from hurricane season weather in Hawai’i.

Well, the Kavanaugh thing just keeps getting more awful, huh? We have a long way to go in this country to get our democracy on a moral, just, ethical path. Hoping desperately for a blue wave in November.

Relatedly, I have been sometimes consumed with anxiety and sorrow about how to manage some relationships in my life, all brought to light by the current political climate. Without going into too many details, I have someone in my life who has demonstrated that he will allow all the moral evils he railed against during democratic administrations. He has also demonstrated that he does not, on principle, believe women who testify about having been sexually assaulted.

This means that he will not believe me if I ever have to report sexual assault.

This pains me on a level I can’t quite grasp and believe.

All of this has made me just feel… so unsafe with this person. Unsafe as a result of this person. Because the reality is that due to the fact that I’m a woman, in many ways I am not a person to this person, so by definition I am not safe with him. Everything he is working for (professionally and personally) is aimed at indirectly or directly making life significantly worse for people like me and for people even more marginalized and oppressed than me. How can I have a relationship with this person? How can I maintain any affection, or even a semblance of rather sterile love, for him?

I am a firm believer in embracing deep relationships with people of a wide variety of views and beliefs. This is really hard to do, and I don’t do it all that well. This person is really testing the limits of that belief of mine. I am more at a loss about this than I have been about perhaps anything else ever in my life.

I really want to have a mind that looks earnestly at all ideas and evaluates them on their merits and ethical implications regardless of political affiliation, and to have a heart that accepts and loves all people knowing they are all broken in their own ways…. I also want to be someone who doesn’t put up with hate and discrimination, who fights for the oppressed and marginalized. I don’t know how to reconcile those two here. People are so difficult and kind of shitty a lot of the time.

On a ridiculous note, yesterday I walked full-on, full-force, full-speed-no-slowing into our lanai sliding glass door. With my face. Just bashed right into the glass, making the loudest BONG sound and sending my now-mangled glasses flying. For the next ten minutes I couldn’t stop a crazy mix of hysterical laughter and weird crying because HOT DAMN that hurt but also it was pretty funny. My husband was nonplussed that it could even happen and just kind of nervously laughed/hugged/iced/looked concernedly at my noggin. I actually blame him for the incident because he cleaned the door so well I didn’t even notice it was closed. But I suppose a bleeding head is a small price to pay for a feminist, equitable partnership that splits house duties 50-50.

I think.

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