In-between thoughts: GameStop and body image

The “WTF” that is 2021 continues. I cannot stop reading about the GameStop Reddit nuttiness. I am officially addicted to Twitter for this story and this story takes only. It is the kind of weird and incredible story that is both absolutely hilarious and absolutely infuriating, for completely different but related reasons. It’s exactly what “WTF” was created to react to.

But g*d*mmit I was hoping for a boring, vaccinated 2021. Sigh.

Let’s talk body image. You know, the fun stuff? Going into 2021 I was a little heavier than my preferred weight. Nothing extreme and nothing concerning, just evidence of a few too many holiday goodies and a few too few workouts. I enjoyed myself and got some rest, so I was not mad about it. Then we move across island and what do we do? We do what every clichéd, post-holiday, meat-sweatin’ cookie-dough-grippin’ dumdum does. We joined a gym. So for the first time in over 8 months I’ve been lifting heavy. It has felt so freaking good. I didn’t realize how much I missed the badass feeling of lifting heavy. I love being strong and I love getting stronger.

However.

I don’t know if you know this, but to get stronger? You need to grow bigger muscles. And guess what? Bigger muscles are heavier than smaller muscles. I KNOW, RIGHT. SCIENCE IS CRAZY. And it has been harder than I expected to see the scale not only not go down, but creep up a few pounds.

How am I nearing the end of my 30s and still so attached to stupid numbers on a scale?

Now I know that the weight is mostly muscle and/or water retention from muscle repair, but that’s not the point. The point is that I am annoyed that I still struggling with it, even knowing exactly what it is, even knowing why it is happening, and even while ENJOYING THE CAUSE OF IT ALL WHICH IS ME GETTING STRONGER. I feel divided in my mind and emotions. (Shut up, Plato.) A blend of healthy, happy pride and of self-loathing. It’s so unhealthy, the self-loathing part. I have some deep-seated beliefs I need to root out about bodily worth and size. It’s weird to get to this point, to discover these beliefs I honestly thought I had exorcised. It turns out I was just pleased with myself for being smaller. I hadn’t really come to love my body for all it does and needs and takes to survive and bring me joy.

So I still have some non-gym work to do. ARGH, WHEN WILL I STOP NEEDING TO WORK ON MYSELF. Maybe in my 40’s I’ll reach self-actualization and perfect enlightenment. Only one more year to go!

Anyone who makes absurd sex-adjacent noises lifting heavy at the gym should be forced to listen to their own grunts for an hour before and after their workout, on blast, while they try to do something else like CONCENTRATE ON SOMETHING OTHER THAN SEX GRUNTS. The rest of us suffer; you must too. Who do you think you are, some hedge fund short seller of GameStop stock?! Topical. Nailed it.

I’m working on getting back to being this badass beotch. Repping weightlifting and philosophy in library bathrooms. #respect

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