In-between thoughts: pandemic brain fog sets in

Thoughts between sets at the gym.

I have no thoughts. My only thoughts are snagged between sets at the gym, and even these I have to kinda work at. “What has caught my attention lately?” “What am I puzzling over lately?”

The answer is nothing. If anything is too complex, instead of thinking it through I just stop thinking about it. I am saving every last drop of thought power not just for my graduate classes, but also just to move forward.

The Atlantic had a great article about pandemic mental impairment. “We’re all a little impaired.” I FEEL THIS SO HARD. I honestly have felt mostly OK throughout the past year. It’s been hard for sure, but through the beauty of therapy and having lots to occupy my time and mental energy (thank you, grad school!) I have been able to push against the worst of what I could have felt. For some reason, that is no longer working.

Even as Hawaii starts opening for real (you know it’s real when they open up the bars, apparently) and my options for being in the world have increased, I find myself in a fog. I forget a lot of things. I forget why I have entered a room. I am easily distracted.

Something I think I worry about is that if I truly rest, I will fall apart. I keep this little family unit together and moving forward and… What if I am just not as strong as I appear? What if I’m not as strong as I need to be? What if what if what if.

One thing Chris and I have learned these past few months of returning to our intensive gym routine is that at our (so advanced!!) age, we need to attend better to what our bodies tell us. We need to honor our pain, take care of our aches, and adjust our workouts as our bodies tell us we need to.

But that awareness, a lot of that listening, occurs outside the gym. Sure, sometimes we have to respond in the moment to new or recurring injuries (stop exposing your squishy, stupid disc!!) but most of when our bodies tell us what they need is in those times of rest and quiet. When our bodies are not being pushed and our minds are able to attend to its signs and needs.

I won’t fall apart. But resting and really attending to my brain and body will help me know where I need to focus healing energy.

My damn cat knocked this sweet reading figurine on the floor but turns out I also identify with her headless.

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