In-between thoughts: brain break

Thoughts between sets at the gym, from Friday, July 2.

Today I went to the gym with absolutely no idea of what I was going to do. I just knew I needed a good, sweaty, fun gym sesh. Plus, I knew I needed to be good to my back; I didn’t want to do legs like I was supposed to, according to my split gym schedule, because I’m pretty sure heavy leg days is the culprit for my lingering back issues.

So I did some bodyweight stepups, some bodyweight lunges, dumbbell incline presses, and a sh*t load of arm stuff. That’s right, I had a proper Bro Day and my body is hap-hap-happy. Part of a fantastic Friday to usher in the long weekend. But now onto thoughts…

I have felt so off in relationships lately. I am finding it difficult to offer grace while facing hurts, to set and keep and honor others’ boundaries without feeling entitlement or resentment; to extend understanding when I just want to pout or be passive-aggressive; to hold my own boundaries and needs in the face of ridiculous criticism, judgment, patronizing, and hypocritical judgment; to fight for what I need and want even if I’m the only one on “my” side. It’s started coming from all sides lately and I’m pretty tired.

Luckily, I am all by myself for a week! Chris is out of town visiting family and friends, and I stayed home due to a lack of vacation days and some big trips planned for later this year. While there is a part of me sad that I’m missing out on seeing folks, there is a MASSIVE part of me that is all


I’ve been by myself for a few days now, and I feel like I’ve been able to rest, to truly turn off my brain for a bit. I’m sorting out long-term difficulties and decisions, and generally connect with my body and brain. I don’t get this often and will get this not often once I adopt kids, so I’m enjoying it while I can.

Would you think me indulgent if you knew I booked myself a massage and a night at a hotel? Because I did. Indulgence is beautiful. [Update post-gym: I can report that it was as healing and happy as I imagined. I got that massage, walked along the (very crowded) beach, enjoyed wine and books on my ocean-front lanai, had a nighttime dance party to Disney songs and 60’s hits in my bedroom, slept in late (still only 7am, but that’s late for me!), and made space for all the still and quiet moments my brain craved. Highly recommend it all.]

Getting back into the gym has been nice, too. I had to take some time off for my dang herniated disc, so going back twice this week felt like a returning to my muscley home. I’m realizing that lifting weights is kind of far down my “favorites” list of working out, though. My favorite is HIIT (Insanity, to be specific), my second might be running, and my third would be the gym. The thing that keeps me coming back to the gym is vanity. I love how I look with muscles. Well, and I love being strong. It feels good to be able to carry the heavy sh*t around the house and world, to surprise people with my physical capability. Very enjoyable. Also I still strive for boulder shoulders, so until that day… I gym.

And because I’m posting this after my hotel stay, here’s a photo of the view from my lanai. I MEAN COME ON.

This was my Grey Malin moment.

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